I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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