Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the day after is always just damage control
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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