I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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