Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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