you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
