Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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