It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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