we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
