Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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