oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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