Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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