I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
