I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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