I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
