I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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