Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
What changed your mind?
Being sober
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
