i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize