I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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