Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
