what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
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And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
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Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me