My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i need an iv and a liver transplant
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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