Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
