If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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