you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
