who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
