My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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