Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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