I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
