Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
