That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
