i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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