Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
