He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
