my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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