You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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