i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
where are my eyebrows?
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