Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
