if i can run in heels then i can drive
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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