I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
