btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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