any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
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What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
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Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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