oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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