Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
my liver is dry heaving
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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