There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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