i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
