Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
