yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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