You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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