when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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