Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
