Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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