The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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