Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
