I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
