When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Help. Why am I so naked?
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