was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
