No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
